Having a Baby via Surrogacy: roadblocks and success

Before we dig into our family’s story and how we came to be the fun crew we are today, remember that having a baby via surrogacy is a strange and bumpy path, particularly for people living in places with either very conservative laws or health systems that aren’t as progressive as ours in Washington State.  Know that our situation was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from almost any surrogacy/family building story you’ll read, and take our experience with a grain of salt, as it’s not the norm.

We were very fortunate when it came to building our family.  The opportunity fell in our lap and today we’ve got two amazing little boys! Every step wasn’t perfect though.  You know, any road can be bumpy and despite how far you’ve come sometimes there are still roadblocks.  This is our story, from the idea of kids until we were a family of four Taylors.  Surrogacy for gay parents, and any couple unable to conceive/carry their own kids is a very important option and hopefully our story will show how this one particular path can work out.

**Please read to the end, as there’s more than a warm fuzzy moral.  And this is all about the process and obstacles, so sorry for being short on pictures. 😉

Starting out on the road of surrogacy

One day a friend casually mentioned that she had a cousin who had been donating eggs and now was interested in carrying a child for a couple.  “Would you be interested in something like that?” Um.  We hadn’t talked about it more than random comments about having kids, never actually discussing it in any detail.  So, we talked and then met this person, this surrogate, not fully understanding what/why she wanted to do this.  She was smart, caring, wise, and beautiful and had no ulterior motives.  Amazing.  And she liked us (thank goodness).  Apparently wonderful people with visions of unlimited possibilities are thinking about surrogacy for gay parents even when the potential dads (and moms) aren’t.

First step, legal stuff

It’s not every day you strike up an agreement with somebody to create a life and then hand that life over.  Where do you even begin?  We started by researching online all of the different types of surrogacy and adoption methods.  Naturally, we met with a family law lawyer and she gave us instructions and reviewed our potential Gestational Surrogacy contract.

Her instructions: have contract notarized, have baby, complete Secondary Parent Adoption.  Cool, easy.  Having a baby via surrogacy was going to be a piece of cake. (more to come though… just wait)

 

Step two, make baby

Now to become pregnant.  We hadn’t been saving up for years to have a baby through IVF or something clinical.  Plus, we found out that most reproductive clinics would not work with a surrogate that was also the egg donor (aka Traditional Surrogate).  After some discussion, we thought “we’re pretty chill people,” so we went with the home method.  It worked and boom: life was growing!

Step three, tell the world we’re having a baby via surrogacy

When you never ever have given becoming a dad a second thought because you didn’t think it was possible, you have never thought about how to tell people or what anybody might say.  Well, we started by telling the OB/GYN and making sure she was the right fit for our situation, and she certainly was.  Since she was good to go and baby was growing, we could tell other people.

Friends were so excited and surprised and had so many questions, appropriate and not.  Family, uhhh, some were thrilled beyond belief.  Others were silent and then just said “How is this happening?”  Some were outright cruel.  I wasn’t prepared for that.  In my mind the only response to give when somebody shares such incredible news is just to smile and hug and be excited for them.  I didn’t think telling anybody would make me go back several years in personal growth and comfort with myself.  Life:  surprises around every corner.

Step four, have baby

Simple enough.  You know, get waken up at 12:55 am, rush through the house like a crazy person and drive (safely) to pick up the oven and the bun for delivery.  It went perfectly…except the speed bumps in the parking lot.  Yeah, let’s just say I’m glad her water didn’t break in the car.  We checked in and our OB was there to deliver and we welcomed a little boy.  He was such a surprise; came out peeing and we were all crying and cuddling and crying….

Step five, surrogacy paperwork

We made sure ahead of time that the hospital’s lawyers and social worker were aware of our situation and they were good to go with it.  We brought everything legal we had just in case…and then the Vital Statistics clerk came in.  If you’ve not had a child in a hospital, this is the person who completes the paperwork for the Social Security Administration and starts the birth certificate process.  She came in, saw us and immediately began questioning us, questioning our surrogate that she was sure everything was in order, she left to make some calls, came back, questioned us more, gave us more paperwork and then before leaving made sure to tell us that she disagreed with our process and that the birth certificate still would have just the birth mother’s name on it.

No.  Just no.  After feeling sufficiently dampened on our big day, we moved past it and got to leave.

Time passed and we all grew close, our surrogate a part of our lives like any other auntie (because now she was our BFF in addition to giving us this amazing child).  We waited to complete the Secondary Parent adoption because we knew that there’d be one more little person eventually.  Two years later we were preggers again and went through all the same steps again.

What was different the second time

Taylor baby No. 2 was born the evening before Thanksgiving.  We would be celebrating with hospital cafeteria turkey feast.  This also meant that the hospital had a bare-bones staff level.  Our nurses all knew what to do to get us out of there, they gave us the appropriate paperwork and cute baby footprints…but there was no Vital Statistics clerk (we were okay with this).  Oh well, we were given some paperwork that seemed right…and a phone number for the Department of Health to ensure that their records were appropriately updated.  Okay, that’s new.

Actually, it wasn’t new.  Upon contacting the Department of Health after the holiday, we got a call back from somebody who worked with surrogacy specifically.  He said that he just needed to get a copy of the surrogacy agreement to update the names on the birth certificate…and that’s it.

Wait, what?! Really?  I called him back and thoroughly explained our whole situation, starting three years prior and he repeated, “Yep, please just send me a copy of the contract and the birth certificate when you get it.  I’ll update it all.”

I’m not one to question a good thing, but I am one to go back and question if something else had bad blood behind it.  I asked if there was a change to surrogacy or family laws in the last few years that made the process so different.  The man told me that there have been no changes and it seemed that the clerk at the hospital provided wrong directions and completed the process incorrectly.

“So we don’t have to go through any sort of adoption? At all?”

“No, that’s why you have a surrogacy agreement.”

“So our lawyer and the hospital lawyer were wrong?”

“That’s correct.”

“And nothing’s changed in the last few years, legally?”

“Correct.  Nothing was done correctly from the start.  Send me the paperwork and I’ll fix it.”

Sent.  Fixed.  We have birth certificates with our names on them.  Us.  The 100%-legal-from-the-start parents.

 

Why do we need to share our story

Other couples will face much more difficult or multi-layered battles than we faced. If somebody had shared accurate information or been willing to do the job they’re paid to do from the start, we would never have had to face the opposition and stress that we did.  We could have enjoyed the whole birth experience without feeling like an incomplete family or been given the run-around.  If we had been given correct information from the start, we could’ve skipped hours of phone calls and exposing our personal information to strangers that never needed it to begin with.

The moral of the story

Go through the process the state or province directs you.  Work with those who maintain family records and deal with like situations daily.  Push back.  Get clear answers and clear guidelines from those who manage the process.  Don’t lose hope.  There are people, such as a social worker or Department of Health who can and will help.

Even though the road may be long and bumpy, don’t be discouraged.  Create the family you never thought possible.  Two dads, two moms, one of each, fly solo… There are so many types of families.  All a baby needs is a loving home to welcome it and a family willing to do the work.  The other pieces will fall into place.

Do you know somebody who’s on the path to parenthood outside of the traditional nuclear family?  Share our story about having a baby via surrogacy or direct them to our site.  We’re happy to be a resource or an encouragement where needed.

32 Comments

  • Carrie

    Amazing story thank you for sharing

    October 15, 2015 at 5:35 pm
    • 2TD-Rob
      Rob Taylor

      Happy to! And thank you. Not many of our friends or family knew what happened or what we faced. It’s good to share now.

      October 25, 2015 at 8:23 pm
  • Danica

    What a great post! Thank your for sharing your story. Your family is beautiful! xoxo

    October 15, 2015 at 6:53 pm
    • 2TD-Rob
      Rob Taylor

      Thank you! We are so thankful for the boys and can only keep working on making the world better for them, as we just know that they’ll face some obstacles in the future.

      October 25, 2015 at 8:22 pm
  • Natalie

    What a lovely family. The post is wonderful. Thanks for sharing!

    October 16, 2015 at 6:47 am
    • 2TD-Rob
      Rob Taylor

      Sharing is the best way to help others who are getting ready to face this too. And surrogacy faces judgement for gay and straight families alike.

      October 25, 2015 at 8:20 pm
  • Www.theverybestbabystuff.com

    So glad that it worked out for you. Thanks for sharing your journey.

    October 16, 2015 at 4:24 pm
  • Jenn @ The Art of Better

    Aw, reading your story gave me chills. So precious.

    Incompetent people suck. Bad. I’m sorry you guys were put through all that mess the first time around.

    October 20, 2015 at 6:06 pm
    • 2TD-Rob
      Rob Taylor

      Thank you. Yeah, it made the discovery of the actual legal process when working with the state that much sweeter! That’s life and we can only just keep working through it.

      October 25, 2015 at 8:19 pm
  • Laura

    Fantastic how this all worked out for you guys. I can’t believe how giving and selfless your surrogate is. What an amazing thing to give someone. I’m glad it all worked out. Gives hope to other couples.

    January 16, 2016 at 10:46 am
  • Breanna

    Great story Rob! I will admit that I was curious but didn’t want to ask. So happy for all four of you!

    January 16, 2016 at 12:28 pm
    • 2TD-Rob
      Rob Taylor

      OMG, ask anything. We’ve been asked every question imaginable. If we don’t want to share a particle facet of something, we’ll say so. There have been a few people that we’ve given blank stares to and shook our heads and said repeatedly “Yeah no, we don’t share that…” And we’ve had to say it over and over. 🙂

      January 16, 2016 at 6:24 pm
  • Nikki

    Thank you for sharing such a personal and amusing story. So glad to hear it worked out and what an inspiration for other couples 🙂

    January 16, 2016 at 4:27 pm
    • Nikki

      That meant to say amazing not amusing! Stupid autocorrect :-/

      January 16, 2016 at 4:28 pm
  • Taylor

    “All a baby needs is a loving home to welcome it and a family willing to do the work.”

    This is so compelling! I actually had no idea how the legal part of surrogacy worked! Thanks for sharing.

    January 16, 2016 at 6:55 pm
  • Rachel

    This story made me cry. I never knew. Thank you for sharing. Love to you both and your beautiful family ♡

    January 17, 2016 at 11:47 pm
  • Gearoid McSweeney

    An inspiring story that shows how we can overcome the odds and others’ opinions when we really want something in life.

    Thank you for sharing this experience.

    February 15, 2016 at 8:48 am
  • Jennifer St Louis

    Amazing story and a beautiful family! Thanks so much for sharing.

    February 15, 2016 at 11:22 am
  • Ami

    I loved your story – your courage, your determination and your focus. Thank you so much for sharing it. 🙂

    February 15, 2016 at 7:29 pm
  • Jessica

    Oh my goodness. You must get so many questions about the “home method”.

    This is awesome. Your family is beautiful.

    February 15, 2016 at 8:42 pm
  • Marta

    Amazing story, thank you so much for sharing it and showing your beautiful family to the world! It must have been really hard at times but I am sure this experience can be of inspiration and support to others, like the rest of your adventures with your super cute children!

    February 16, 2016 at 10:46 am
    • Rob Taylor

      We were really fortunate to not have to face more trials than we did. Hopefully people see our story and realize the possibilities that are out there.

      February 16, 2016 at 8:52 pm
  • melody pittman

    I loved, loved, loved this story. Thanks for sharing as I have never known any “dads” to go through this. Beautiful and what luck you had in finding this lady that shared her life with you.

    February 16, 2016 at 7:45 pm
    • Rob Taylor

      She is the most incredible person. And we are happy to share our story.

      February 16, 2016 at 8:53 pm
  • Shelly

    What a great story! Glad everything worked out for you and now you have two beautiful boys!

    February 17, 2016 at 7:41 am
  • Voyager

    What a touching post, admire your resilience and indomitable spirit, thanks for sharing, it is so inspiring.

    February 17, 2016 at 11:32 pm
  • Cora

    Such cute kids, thanks for sharing 🙂

    February 18, 2016 at 11:27 am
  • Ajay Sood

    It is such a beautiful description of what all transpired! Incredible!

    February 18, 2016 at 1:32 pm
  • Taylor

    Sorry to hear the stress you had to go through but happy to see that everything worked out in the end!

    February 19, 2016 at 6:29 am
  • Leticia

    Thanks for sharing your beautiful and amusing story with us. It’s inpiring

    February 22, 2016 at 3:32 pm
  • Liesbeth

    I think it’s so great surrogacy is legal and seems to be well-accepted in the US. I’m afraid in Belgium we’re still faaaaar from accepting it… Too bad, it creates so many chances and hapiness for so many people!

    February 23, 2016 at 12:17 pm
  • Tarah Vongbouthdy

    Great story! Its so amazing how much happiness and love surrogacy can given to people. And so great that people are willing to help! Its great that you have been so honest in sharing this!

    February 23, 2016 at 7:06 pm

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